Cry, honey, cry

One thing I absolutely despise is crying in public. No, that sound bad. To rephrase it : I absolutely despise when I cry in public. There’s something about feeling like other people pity me, or the way I’m being looked at, as I’m a fragile human being who needs lots of protection… That’s what i hate. Ever since I was little, whenever I felt like crying while surrounded by adults, I would hide my face in my mother’s shoulder and silent-sob, hoping everyone would act like nothing’s happening. And even though I couldn’t see the people around me, thee were two possibilities : either they ask her if I’m ok (like I’m not capable of hearing them), or I would feel my mom nodding her head in ‘yes, she’s crying’ or whisper ‘she’s fine, just tired’. And look, I’m not trying to sound spoiled or unappreciative of all the people who love me and want me to be fine, but it’s this pet peeve of mine.It’s like asking someone to stop being mad when they’re pissed and actually expecting them to stop. Or how when a small child is crying and we ask them to stop and -surprise- they cry harder.

So, I think you get it. I hate crying in public. This time I’m not saying ‘hate’s a strong word’ because even if it is (which is true), it’s the exact word I want to use. A few nights ago, I was out with my mom and some of her friends, and after keeping some emotions bottled up for a few days, they burst out. My mom knew it would happen, cause you see, I have this thing of mine where I blink several times and don’t look you in the eye, as if you won’t notice the tears that are welling up in my eyes. I know when it happens to her too, because she suddenly feels the need to wear sunglasses. So, I picked a book that was in front of me and started ‘reading’. Words. Couldn’t seem to start (or finish) any sentence. That’s the last time I cried in public. Everyone was trying to make me laugh, and even though I appreciate it, the only thing I could think was ‘STOP!!!! PLEASE!!!’. Somehow, I cried because I was crying. Does it make any sense at all? My mom just kind of moved next to me and hugged me, not saying anything. The others got the memo and kept on with their talks as if I wasn’t there, which is amazing. But I’ve managed to come to this weird conclusion : in my intense hatred for it, I still think that crying should be done any time you feel like doing so. No one should feel bad for expressing their emotions, if it means jumping up and down from how happy you are or sobbing like you’ve never done before. You’re not weak, or hormonal, or unstable. You are a human being and God forbid you show it. You should be able to do so without having to hide or feel like you’re ruining the mood because, newsflash, you are not.

If I see someone I know crying in public, I will most likely head over to where they are and give them a hug or just put my hand on their back. I won’t ask anything, I’d let them know I’m there if they need to talk or to just support them without needing to know the reason to why they are blue. So here’s what me, a cry-shy person asks from you. If you’re next to me when about to have a meltdown, I get it. I’m that type of person who cries for almost everything (just not with an immense audience). So however bad we’ve fought that day and however much you think I’m stuck up or arrogant, know that if you need someone, I’m there. No words needed. Just an ‘it’ll all go away’ and a hug. And if you’re that unlucky bastard who’s going to be next to me whenever the bottle’s full and I can’t hold it in, that’s what I’ll ask from you too. If you think you won’t be able to stop there, just stay where you’re at and keep the conversation going.

I hate crying in public because it’s awkward and everyone is staring. This tension rises, as if most of the time I’m crying because of what someone said (which is never the case, I do that at home), and all I want is to go into hiding. I’m working on accepting these weird feelings and agreeing with the fact that whatever happens, good or bad, I will allow myself to cry even if it might make someone feel a little uncomfortable. So, this is my advice to anyone who’s ever going to start crying in public because of what’s all up in their minds : It’s okay. We all do it, one way or another, and if you’re stuck in a situation where tears just won’t stop, don’t beat yourself up. Get up, go to the bathroom, cry as much as you want and then keep going. The others are just going to have to move on with their lives.

I’m a cryer. I’m an emotional person, and if I’m actually working on self acceptance as I preach all day long, that should be something to take in consideration too.

 

This pretty picture was taken by Marius Anghel

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