Some events that have happened in the last few days turned me into this crazy-person that is finally standing up for herself. This is not my usual ‘ I am a positive child that actually loves everyone ‘ and this is not an ‘ oh, how beautifully does love hurt ‘. If you read this and you feel like this is for you, it probably is. You can send this to anyone and I expect it to be sent to me too. But we are humans, and I understand. We gossip and we hurt each other daily, we fight and then make up. But here is, my open letter.
I will not change myself anymore for someone to like me. I’m done doing nothing while you sit at the other end of our table and make snarky comments about everything in my life and I am done acting like I don’t mind when the whole table is laughing. I will not look at you in the eyes anymore, because it doesn’t bring me any happiness, it makes me anxious of whatever thing you will say next. I will not let you sit by while I’m doing my makeup, criticizing every stupid thing I do and telling me off. I won’t talk to you anymore about anything because your theory is always “You were being stupid and a child, get over it”. In your eyes, I am these things and many more, but I am not like this in mine. I am done being your (fake) friend, just because I’m scared of your possible reaction. However, I am starting to realize my worth. I’m not there yet, but this is me breaking free of your concepts of reality. I am getting back to my own and re-owning myself.
Being the bigger person is something very important, but it is something I will not do anymore. I am done nodding my head and letting insults pass by as I am trying to calm you down. I will not allow you to call me names anymore. You will need to apologize after, because I will not act like nothing’s wrong the next day like I used to. You won’t be able to hide behind “I was very tired” excuse. Whenever you’re wrong, I will not hesitate to tell you, just as I never hesitate to tell you whenever you’re brilliantly right. I will get in terrible arguments with you and I will start answering back because I am not here as your ‘carry-on insult bag’. I won’t allow you (or anyone for that matter) to throw words at me like they mean nothing. So no, I will not be the bigger person. I am growing and will not allow anyone to treat my lesser than I want to be treated. I will not be held back.
I will fly.
I will love.
I will live without feeling like I constantly need someone in my life. I will live for my acceptance, and I will love whoever I want to love. Without other’s people’s views – who weren’t even asked. This is something I want to do for myself.
With this, I hope that the next time I get pissed, I won’t be told that I can’t catch a joke that “wasn’t supposed to hurt my feelings but did because I am too emotional”. I hope I will learn to appreciate myself more,for I am the only one I have to live with daily, for the rest of my life. I hope I will learn to appreciate more the people that love me and be thankful for them daily. I hope the negative people in my life leave quietly or change their motives. I hope to raise awareness that everyone has bullies, but mostly, we allow them to bloom in our minds, destroying us step by step, look by look, comment by comment and laugh by laugh.
The next time you look in the mirror, look at something you hate, and try to view it differently. It will take some time, but the end will be worth it. I’ll do it with you, just like I’ll confront the people that put me down with you.
Till next time,