I don’t hate you. No, I don’t and I probably never will – unless you come back and do something terrible to me or to someone that I love. In rest, all’s good. So don’t let this freak you out before you finish reading it.
I’ve been listening to Khalid’s new album and it’s amazing how on point it is with everything I’ve ever felt towards you. There’s this lyric that goes ” Surrounded by questions like ‘ why’d you two part ways? But if my memory’s right, you’re the one that left” and I would be so bitter about that BUT TODAY I fucking smiled and thought of all the good you’ve brought me. And all of my friends would straight up laugh at me at tell me I’m hallucinating because “all you’ve brought me was midnight sobbing and hating myself for never being good enough” but that’s not right anymore because I’ve come to a point where I realized: we weren’t good for each other. We messed up so many times that each opportunity we got to be more than just crushes and homies, we got carried away or scared and left it like that. I am to blame just as you are and I’ve accepted it fully.
I won’t ever hate you, because you are what seems to be my first love. No joke or no awkward silence. This time, I’m not hiding behind a ‘hahah I was just joking’ when you look weird at me and I won’t hide behind my sarcasm. I mean it. You made me fall in love and I got so carried away I forgot how time passed by. Some first loves are meant to be a beautiful relationship but others are actually meant to be an extremely beautiful story you tell at sleepovers. You start crying or laughing and you act surprised ten years later when you see each other in a coffee shop. You act like you never saw it coming, even though when we left – or when you left quietly – I didn’t mention it. I’ll act like I’ve never dreamed of this and played every scenario of it in my head. So whenever you see me down the street, don’t cross or don’t look down. I know I’m too much at times, but there’s no drama or no beef. I won’t talk about you like you killed me (even though it felt like you did at times). I will talk about you beautifully, even at the times where you didn’t deserve it. I will hug the life out of you because your embrace used to make me feel at home.
You inspire me to a point where whenever I think of you poetry falls out of my mind onto my lips. You inspire me to a point where it’s kinda dumb and a cliché. I see you once and I write three hundred short stories and poems and texts. You’re this weird, unexpected source of inspiration and every time we meet you get me writing things I didn’t even know I had in my head. So thank you. Thank you a thousand times, because most of the beautiful theories about love I have are from you. I read something once that went something like ‘if you inspire someone to produce art, you’ll live forever’. I guess you’re a vampire now.
I don’t really know how you’ll get this. Maybe you’ll understand, or maybe you’ll brush it off. All I know is: now, there’s no going back. Because everyone else knows too.
Kisses, xo, love,best wishes, yours, and every other ending to a letter wrote for someone who means the world to me.