This is something I wrote at 5 am, when the voices are usually loudest. Here’s a snippet of my mind.
“I hate my inner voices that go at me every time i try to speak, the way they tear me down and make me feel like I’m the one person in the room that everyone looks at and that is constantly being judged.
I hate how in big groups situation I start giving my opinion and while I hear myself talk as a background noise, what I hear loudest in my head is “Nobody asked you” “Nobody cares” “Stop speaking”and how I find myself blushing everytime this happens. But it’s not good blushing, it’s not the blushing that comes with butterflies in your stomach and the twinkle in your eye. It’s the fire you feel in your cheeks as you embarrass yourself in a situation and all you want to do is run to a corner and bury yourself in the nearest pillow and scream at how mad you are at yourself for daring to speak out.
I hate how while I’m doing something that I’m not good at, I’m not fully concentrated there because the nice voices in my head are screaming that “everyone is laughing at you for not doing anything right” and how “it’s shit it’s not perfect”. And that’s why most of the time I don’t actually finish anything I start, that’s why I sometimes don’t try to do new things when there are people around – because if I don’t do it right might as well not do it at all.
I hate how I care so much of what everyone thinks about me because I really don’t like me so at least I want everybody else to. And the voices are literally always there to remind me how I’m failing to do even that – let people like me for being myself.”